Well God does take care of things doesn't he?

I was worried about what to do about the alcohol at the party and I should have had more trust in God that it would be taken care of. We are having a Mass said for our brother Jim and our parents on Saturday the 16th, which is the weekend we were planning the "slumber party". I can not, not under any circumstances, go to Mass after I've been drinking and I certainly don't want to go with anyone else who's been drinking. So, maybe no drinking at all is the answer. I do feel rather strongly about this to be honest. There are so many issues in my family and alcohol can't be "good" for those issues. Steven has said before that we are a broken family and he's right. But I made a vow many years ago I would not stay broken....that I would do whatever it takes to heal my mind, body, and soul. I've worked very hard for good mental and emotional health....and I don't believe this latest crisis is the result, or a symptom, of my "brokeness". I don't have a whole lot of "brokeness" left but I DO know my trust issues is one I have never had the opportunity to work on until now. And this latest crisis has certainly brought it to the forefront of my life.

I remember the first 2 or 3 years of going through the memories of being raped....how HARD that was. I kept telling myself I could be brave, that I had the strength and the courage to LOOK the horror straight in the face and that I could survive that. As I began to heal I realized if I could handle THAT I could probably handle anything.

My trust issues never caused any problems until now. I never had a reason to look at them or to try to heal those issues. Now I do have a reason. My brother is so very precious to me. I remember when he was born and I remember him being up the day after his 3rd birthday and somebody told him Mom was going to the hospital to have the baby and that the baby missed his birthday by one day! I remember that day - it was like 4 in the morning and everyone was up because of the commotion in the house. I hurt my brother with my accusations - I saw it in his body language, in his eyes. That was when I started to shake because I realized something was wrong - I didn't know WHAT but something was wrong. I saw it as his 3rd stike and I'd had enough and was going to handle the situation once and for all. Based on what facts I had, I believed I was doing the right thing. And the end result was that it showed me my little brother deserved my trust, and was trusworthy.....that his deepest core was something I could trust like forever. That has never happened before - I know of no other human being that I could give that to - I'm sure they are out there - I just don't know it yet.

Humph! This is going to be a big one for me.....................

Family

My family is worried about me...so worried in fact that 2 of my sisters called my therapist requesting an appointment to talk to her...about me. I've been seeing this therapist for almost 20 years so we have a very long, very successful relationship. She knows more about me than anyone except maybe God. I understand their concern but I also understand the conflict of interest involved. My therapist can not talk to anyone without me present...and I'm ok with that.
Alcohol has played a big part is this latest crisis. All of us have been traumatized by the death of our brother Jim and the grief has been deeply felt. I can't believe it's been 7 months already. The holidays were not the same without him and since my 2 brothers' birthdays are one day after another, it's going to be major to get through it. Our first thought was that we should all be together and get through it with the support of each other. Our second thought was to add alcohol to the mix and everybody sleep over at my parents' house so nobody drives drunk. I'm having second thoughts about the alcohol part - since alcohol caused Steven to say something he didn't mean which started this latest crisis in the first place, shouldn't that be a heads up that we should take alcohol out of the mix? Isn't it possible we could make things worse if alcohol is consumed in large quantities and we are all together in one confined space? People say things under the influence - that's a fact. But should alcohol be used as an excuse? Once it's said, it's out there no matter WHAT caused it to be out there. And now I'm not sure what I should do. I'll have to think about this I guess because the more I think about it the more I'm convinced we should keep alcohol out of the mix. That way we can be sure no one says anything they don't mean or that mean things don't get said. Adding more hurt on top of what we already have is not the goal here. The goal is to continue to help each other heal.

Today is Jan 5th 2010 - what a year this will be

Since this is my very first post on my very first blog, I'm going to write about who I am and what I've experienced and then I will get to how I'm dealing with it.

I am a survivor of extreme sexual abuse. From the time I was 9 years old until almost 12 years old, I was raped repeatedly by a priest. This trauma turned this child's life into a very dark place and created many dysfunctions that grew with me as I grew into adulthood. For more complete information on me, visit my web site at www.marshasweb.com. Please be aware if you are a survivor of abuse, it may trigger you. If you are in a good emotional space, you should be all right. If you suspect you are not in a good emotional space, please discuss visiting sites such as mine with your therapist first.

I have worked through sexual dysfunction, extremely poor self-image issues, some really messed up relationship issues, and so many more I think I'll just let them come out in their own time on this blog. I intend to be as honest as I am capable of being. This blog is not going to be private at this point so be aware of that and understand you will not be judged no matter what you write. All I ask is that you be kind to both myself and other bloggers on this site...and most of all be kind to yourself. If you are a survivor, your survival can help others.

That's all for now - I have to get ready for work.