I was worried about what to do about the alcohol at the party and I should have had more trust in God that it would be taken care of. We are having a Mass said for our brother Jim and our parents on Saturday the 16th, which is the weekend we were planning the "slumber party". I can not, not under any circumstances, go to Mass after I've been drinking and I certainly don't want to go with anyone else who's been drinking. So, maybe no drinking at all is the answer. I do feel rather strongly about this to be honest. There are so many issues in my family and alcohol can't be "good" for those issues. Steven has said before that we are a broken family and he's right. But I made a vow many years ago I would not stay broken....that I would do whatever it takes to heal my mind, body, and soul. I've worked very hard for good mental and emotional health....and I don't believe this latest crisis is the result, or a symptom, of my "brokeness". I don't have a whole lot of "brokeness" left but I DO know my trust issues is one I have never had the opportunity to work on until now. And this latest crisis has certainly brought it to the forefront of my life.
I remember the first 2 or 3 years of going through the memories of being raped....how HARD that was. I kept telling myself I could be brave, that I had the strength and the courage to LOOK the horror straight in the face and that I could survive that. As I began to heal I realized if I could handle THAT I could probably handle anything.
My trust issues never caused any problems until now. I never had a reason to look at them or to try to heal those issues. Now I do have a reason. My brother is so very precious to me. I remember when he was born and I remember him being up the day after his 3rd birthday and somebody told him Mom was going to the hospital to have the baby and that the baby missed his birthday by one day! I remember that day - it was like 4 in the morning and everyone was up because of the commotion in the house. I hurt my brother with my accusations - I saw it in his body language, in his eyes. That was when I started to shake because I realized something was wrong - I didn't know WHAT but something was wrong. I saw it as his 3rd stike and I'd had enough and was going to handle the situation once and for all. Based on what facts I had, I believed I was doing the right thing. And the end result was that it showed me my little brother deserved my trust, and was trusworthy.....that his deepest core was something I could trust like forever. That has never happened before - I know of no other human being that I could give that to - I'm sure they are out there - I just don't know it yet.
Humph! This is going to be a big one for me.....................
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